This is an ironic blog. Who would have thought that the very thing I created for a school project would become the resource I needed for myself. Teaching, aiding, and walking with friends through life’s biggest obstacles. Being a word of encouragement to those struggling with the stage of life they may be in, rarely ever thinking that the challenges others face could happen to you, especially not tomorrow.
Ever felt invisible? That life was finally going your way? Oblivious to the reality that you would soon be entering a dark, beaten down, and distraught road. Well, that’s the Road I’m On at the moment. I don’t know why my direction has changed its course but I have to believe that the man with the compass is steering me towards a better destination.
I played my last volleyball game on 10/22/22. My brand promise to you was to always share with complete honesty and truth. And well, I feel robbed, broken, defeated, and a bit hopeless at the moment. I have a lot of questions for God. Like why I deserved this? Why me? Why now? What did I do wrong? What could He possibly be teaching me?
I don’t have these answers, and frankly I’m not sure I ever will. Just when I thought the pieces of my life that had been previously broken were finally being repaired, my life shatters. You hear of athletes exiting the world of sports after a long career, facing identity crises. I don’t even feel like I was given the respect of mourning the sport that was taken from me in a split second. The calendar did not run out for my final season, life came a took the days I had left without any explanation or preparation. Why does a God who loves his children let these things happen?
I want to ask Him myself. I wish there was a phone line to heaven where I could speak to the manager. Better yet, I wish I could send my Grammy to speak to the manager. Believe me, if you met my Grammy, you’d know she’d take care of this dilemma and have a word with the Man who let this happen to me. Grammy gets Nordstroms to refund her for the shoes she purchased in 1998, I’m sure she could get them to reverse this reality.
My volleyball career has been a story of trials, tribulations, and a lot of hard work. I was exactly 25 days away from finally hanging up my jersey with pride and 14 days away from celebrating all that I’d committed to and accomplished in my four years on Senior Night. To say the least, I am heartbroken. It just doesn’t seem fair. It’s hard to not think of all the things you dreamt for yourself and question why God wasn’t willing to allow you to play on your senior night, the game that has been highlighted in your calendar for years. Now my calendar will read the track of a yearlong road to recovery. Why couldn’t He just give me a few more weeks? I already miss the nerves I felt before stepping on the court and the antsy movement of my feet when the game is about to begin. I miss the feeling of my heart racing, the competitive drive, and the goofy mumbles at the net. I’d do anything to hear that over the mumbles of a diagnosis from the Doctor. I simply don’t understand why. Where did I go wrong? Did I really deserve this? Is this my fault?
People have told me that something good will come of this, He has a plan, and that everything is going to be alright. But I’d be lying if I told you I believed them. I don’t understand the plan. I don’t see the good that will come of this. And right now, nothing feels right. I don’t say this as a way to receive pity for my situation. I say this to admit that sometimes life just stinks. It’s not all rainbows and butterflies. You don’t see the real side of people behind the Instagram post, the selfies, the Tik-Tok dances, or the tweets. It’s ok to not have it all together sometimes, I promise you, it’s part of being human. And while I don’t have the answer to why bad things happen to good people, I hope to be a light to you in your hard place as we walk this road together towards a brighter day.
A few weeks ago, I shared a few things I learned in my 22 years of life. The first lesson being that in your hardest days, custom armor is being built for you. So that every challenge after will have no chance against your weaponry. And while I feel like I couldn’t be any tougher with the obstacles I’ve already climbed, I guess God thought I needed my armor upgraded. I know this Road I’m On will be tough, but I am certain that I will like my new added armor features of strength, perseverance, and courage that I am gaining in the process.
Join me in praying for a safe surgery and speedy recovery…Maybe even a miracle to play again.
Thank you!
-Lauren
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